Another Drunk Blog

Hey people. I know its been a while so I'm going to treat you to another drunk blog. The reason for the season is the fact that today, I was planning on getting dinner for me and my Montana Best Friend. Unfortunately, Montana Best Friend decided to wait until I was off work to let me know that he was going out with some friends. I probably would've joined him but I would rather scrape my own eyeballs out of my head than be around one of his friends (we'll call this guy a Cunt). Anyways, since Montana Best Friend probably wouldn't take too kindly to me telling Cunt to go kill himself, I decided to go to the gas station down the street and buy three tall boys and have a blog party here with the Gentleman (my cat, for those of you who don't know already).

8:50 PM 
Just cracked open my beer.

That's me, in case you weren't aware. That is also a backward Bud Light can. Oh, if you haven't heard, I finally have a couch. :)

9:01 PM
Watching MSNBC until better things come on. I really feel like I've fallen out of the loop since I came to Montana. I don't watch the news anymore, I don't read the newspapers.... I'm just stuck in my own little world of Tumblr and Facebook... pretty sad...

9:08 PM
Skyping with Kristen McClellan and listening to Nicki Minaj. Trying to figure out what smells like feces. Might be my cat... might be the feces in the floor next to me.

9:14 PM
Why do I like Katy Perry now?


9:19 PM
I drink too slowly.

9:41 PM
I just ordered Pita Pit! My cat is moaning at me from down the hall.

10:00 PM 
King of the Hill and another beer. I miss German Best Friend :(

10:44 PM
I have decided that I will be returning to Ohio next summer to watch the premier of Snow White and the Huntsman with my posse back home. I have decided this because I am super drunk and the thought of watching Kristen fucking Stewart fight Charlize Theron with my closest friends makes me a little wet. Wait was that inappropriate? Hm.... oops... Let me imitate the outrage of the mothers reading my blog.

That is what most mothers do when they are experiencing the emotion of outrage. They crush beer cans and make angry faces. Then they ride off into the sunset on their motorcycles in search of middle-aged Brett Michaels groupies to have sex with.

11:01 PM
AMERICAN DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't fucking judge me.

11:02 PM

That's a picture of me telling you not to fucking judge me.

11:14 PM
I hate this town. I want to go home.
It's alright.

11:16 PM
To all my Bozeman friends; I don't really hate it here.
To all my Ohio friends; *whispers* Yes, I do.

11:50 PM
I'm out of beer :((

12:08 AM
I am not as excited about Family Guy as I was about American Dad. I apologize.

12:45 AM
I'm going to go read for a while. I'm sorry if this blog post didn't live up to your expectations. Later.

I want

to die. That's it. Bye.

The return of the gentleman!

So I know I said my next post would be about a wild night with my bestie, but today, I have news. RILEY FREEMAN THE GENTLEMAN HAS RETURNED FROM THE WILD!!!!! That's right, I found my kitty cat :D
Here's proof:
Yeah, there he is. The little scamp. I was feeling bored last night, so I took a walk. I was probably less than a mile from my house on this little trail, when I saw Mr. Freeman sitting right in the middle of the road! Let me tell you now that I almost shit my pants. I ran up to him, and he just meowed at me. Best. Reunion. Ever.

He's super skinny, but other than that, seems to be pretty healthy. And he doesn't act like he's been feral for the past month. I think he prefers our company. Oh, and he still understands the litter box, which is a major plus.

That's all for now, but next time, I promise I will tell you the story of our night out.

Distractions from adulthood

I know, I know. I haven't written in a week or two. It's not my fault, I swear. I just have this problem where I sit down to do something and then I get distracted by other things. For example, this morning, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and then realized that I can create an infinite series of reflections using my cabinet mirror and the mirror over the sink. Then I had to take a picture of it.

After about twenty minutes of playing with the mirrors and doing a strip tease for myself, I realized that I still hadn't brushed my teeth. This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I'll usually think of something that I need to do, and then I'll do something that is marginally more interesting and much less productive. This tends to get me into some trouble, because in the real world, you have to do boring things, like paying the bills, and the real world tends to penalize you if you fail to do those boring tasks because you were busy playing with this. I'm sure you just spent at least ten minutes on that page. You're welcome.

I think my original point was that I'm going to try to write more. I have a pretty interesting story about a party I went to this past weekend, and that may be my next post. Also, you guys should give me a few ideas and maybe I'll write posts related to those topics. That should be fun. Anyway... until next time. Peace.

And now I can't move.

I got drunk last night. It was a good idea. I went out to a couple bars with my friends, had a few drinks, met a few new people, etc etc. We decided that we should head back to a friend's place and continue drinking. I thought this would be a good opportunity to get my blackberry wine from my house. So I head home, run inside, and decide that I need to leap the steps leading down to my apartment mostly because it would be epic and save so much time that could be used for consuming more alcohol. Ah, the hubris. I flew far too close to the sun... and smacked my face off that little ledge that hangs down over some stairways (anyone know what the technical term for that is? Because I don't). Of course, smacking your head into a wall while jumping has negative affects on your body. And that's why I am finding it hard to breathe today. I may have cracked a rib, and I may not be running for a few days. It's ok though, the blackberry wine was delicious.

EDIT: That wall is called a "knee wall" or "pony wall". Thanks Chelsea, for bringing this to my attention :D

What the hell, Neville??

Ok, I just have to ask: WHEN DID NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM GET HOT?! No, seriously. Have you seen this kid? Stone. Cold. Fox.
In case you don't know what I'm talking about (in which case, you should probably just end your sad excuse for a life right now), Neville Longbottom is the clutzy, good-natured, chubby kid that started at Hogwarts with Harry "Keanu Reeves" Potter, Hermione "Fucking Awesome" Granger, and Ron "Sulks-A-Lot" Weasley. Now when he was first cast in this role, Matthew Lewis looked like this:

Yeah. Pretty much looks like a clutzy, good-natured, chubby kid, doesn't he?

Well the interesting thing about this character is his progression from the last one picked for kickball to this lovable, noble, badass-mother-fucker with a deep, dark backstory that rivals Harry's own tragic past.

By the end of the series, Neville is leading a band of social activists in a battle against the most tyrannical political force that the Wizarding World has ever faced. The man has practically lost his parents to the enemy, his grandmother's life is threatened, he's tortured on numerous occasions, but the guy will not give up. His perseverance and loyalty to his friends and loved ones turns him into one of the most unexpected heroes of the series. And to top it all off, now he looks like this:

Uh... yeah. Just look at this, guys. That. Is. Neville. Fucking. Longbottom. Mmmmhmm.
Wow.
Just a minute... I'm still staring.
Ok.

In other news, a friend of mine let me know that she personally enjoys reading my blogs aloud. Let me just say that that is a fantastic idea. All of you should be reading my blogs aloud. It really adds to the affect of my writing. Feel free to use whatever voices that you feel are necessary in conveying the depth of emotion in my blogposts, especially if those voices are Miss Swan, William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, or Sean Connery.

Neville. Fucking. Longbottom.... Damn.

EDIT: Feel absolutely free to AutoTune yourself while reading my blogs. I would like nothing better. In fact, I recommend that you do.

I may have been poisoned by a bear

I am unable to fall asleep. I know, it's like noon. I shouldn't be asleep anyway right now, but let me defend my ambitions. I woke up at 5:30 this morning. And I haven't been able to go back to sleep. And its making me cranky. I tried counting things in my head but all that did was make me wonder if I have OCD. I also tried listening to peaceful music like this, but it hasn't helped because I started fantasizing about Rick Astley's ginger balls. I even tried taking a bunch of Tylenol PM and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel's, but that didn't knock me out either. So I've resigned myself to staying up all day and hopefully passing out in time to get a decent night's sleep before work tomorrow.

On a lighter note, I may have the plague. My eye started bleeding yesterday. That was pretty cool. My friends all say it was probably just a broken blood vessel, but none of them are medically trained, and I know the symptoms of the plague when I see them. So if you never hear from me again, that's probably why. And here I thought I'd be killed by a grizzly bear. Although it was probably a bear that gave me the plague, because bears have been known to develop some pretty intense biological weapons. Those little rascals!


For more information on bears and how to recognize a bear, please refer to this article by Allie Brosh.

Now, I've got about a gallon of coffee to drink so that I won't be tempted to fall asleep at the wheel of my car. Later kids.

EDIT: No, I didn't actually mix alcohol and tylenol. Have a little more faith in me than that.

EDIT: Yes, I did mean to Rick Roll you. You're welcome.

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Would Make A Good Boyfriend

I think most guys underestimate my ability to be a good boyfriend. Maybe its my abrasive personality and lack of social skills, but I honestly feel like my good qualities do actually outweigh the bad. Here are a few of my very best attributes for all you boys looking for a great relationship.

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Would Make A Good Boyfriend

1. I am almost certainly not a rapist. I feel like one of my most positive personality traits is my lack of rapist-like tendencies.

2. I'm self-effacing. This means that you can beat me down emotionally and I'll pretty much just become your little slave. All you really need to do is threaten to leave me and I'll be like "Oh no! There's no way I'll ever find anyone better than this particular douchebag! Let me completely change my personality so that I don't end up alone for the rest of my life!" Ta-da! You win.

3. If you need to know anything about bears, I have got that covered.

4. I'm successful: I have a part-time job in retail and a degree that I don't use.

5. I can almost do the laundry and wash the dishes. I haven't quite figured out the concept of fabric softener or dryer sheets, but I'm getting there. Plus, I have the ability to put a white shirt in a load of laundry with a red shirt and not give a fuck about the outcome.

6. I require about as much space as the average goldfish.

7. I will only speak when spoken to.

8. When you come home from work, I will kiss you and have a Hot Pocket waiting on you. Oh yeah, that's right-- this hot bitch can cook almost anything that comes in a box with microwave instructions.

9. I will put up with pretty much anything and will probably enable your drinking habit.

10. I will love and fear you forever.

So yeah, there you have it. Sounds like quite a deal, eh boys? I pretty much operate on a first come, first serve basis, so I'll most likely just latch on to any opportunity that presents itself without much thought for little issues like your personality, physical attraction, compatibility, major personal differences, etc. etc. And if you ever decide you don't want me around anymore, I'll just assume something is wrong with me and go crawl into a hole and die. There's no way for you to lose. Booyah!

Well this is depressing

There's a monster living in my stomach. Every time I move, it growls and starts gnawing away at my insides. I don't really know what it is or where it came from, but it is an angry little fucker and it is not content with me having a good time.

My day started out fairly above average. I woke up, feeling pretty damn happy. I kissed the guy next to me and got out of bed to get ready for work. My good mood pretty much stayed with me all day. I had a raspberry white tea and a Jimmie John's sub for lunch. I got to work with a good friend. My new hula hoop came in the mail today, and I played with it for a while. 

Now I am lying in the floor, wishing I was dead. The monster in my internal organs is eating its way through my entire body, leaving me feeling like a hollow shell... only heavier... so much heavier than a hollow shell should ever feel... If I had the energy, I'd strangle something, but all I want to do is crawl into bed and forget that I even exist on this plane of reality.

I don't know what this is. I am nauseous and sweating pretty profusely... I just don't know what brought this on. Anxiety? The Wendy's I ate after work? Ebola? Who knows... who cares... I know I don't, on either account. 

Bye. Wish me luck.

P.S. The cat's not back either...

Boom Boom

That's the sound I'm hearing outside my house. Its the 4th of July here in Montana, and everyone in town is letting off fireworks. I've confined myself to my room for the evening because I'm kind of feeling down. I don't even have anything witty to say.

My cat ran away in the night. Somehow, he got out the door, and he ran away... I don't have any idea where to look for him. I'm printing flyers to hang up around the apartment complex and I'm calling the humane society tomorrow... but I don't know if it will do any good...

I was going to write an interesting blog for the 4th; something about Amurica and patriotism and what not... but I don't think I have it in me. I miss my little Gentleman..















Later.

I've realized that I am horribly awkward in real life.

I tried making a video blog today. My thought was that other people had gained a lot of fame by "vlogging" and if they could do it, why couldn't I? Well, there are several reasons why...

1. I am not that interesting. People prefer to be entertained when they watch a vlogger, not bored to tears.

2. I am not charismatic. In fact, every time I tried to start a video, I just became really awkward and proceeded to stutter until my own judgements of myself caught up to me and I just started screaming and naming objects that I could reach without leaving the view of the camera. There's only so many times a viewer wants to watch me yell "CHAPSTICK! UKULELE! KEYS! MOOCOW CAT!" and I exceeded that number within the first thirty seconds of my video.

3. I have a cat with the uncanny ability to know when the camera is running. This knowledge always prompts him to walk past the camera so that his tail crosses the screen several times before I am finished with the mediocre story that I am telling.

4. I tell mediocre stories. Seriously, I have no reason to vlog. I was going to spend four minutes talking about the check I received in the mail from my school. Why would anyone want to hear about that? That's right; they wouldn't. I actually shouldn't even be blogging, and the fact that you're spending the time necessary to read this tripe is a testament to your lack of a life. Be ashamed.

5. I may or may not know how to edit a video (with a little more emphasis on the may not). I tried using iMovies on my iMac. Let me just start by saying that I shouldn't be allowed around sophisticated computer programs. I don't know how I did it, but after "editing" my video, it was somehow worse than it was in the first place.

In short, it's probably best for society if I just stick to good, old-fashioned blogging. Ok, it'd probably be best for society if I just disconnected myself from the rest of civilization and joined an Amish community, but how would that help me succeed in becoming famous? It wouldn't, and that would be unacceptable.

Send me junk. Like furniture and cookies.

It’s getting warm out here in Montana (and for you Ohio kids, I mean that it’s finally hit 80°. Yeah, be jealous). I start my training at Target tomorrow, and I’m pretty excited about having something to do during the day. My cat seems to be calmer than before, but he’s also settling into a routine that involves waking me up around 5:00 in the morning so that I can give him some catnip. That’s right, my cat is a junkie and he needs his fix. Wanna fight about it?

Roommates and I are still without most furniture (TVs, couches, bedframes, etc) so if any of you want to give us things like TVs, couches, bedframes, etc. feel free to send them to my address. If you don’t know my address, it just means that either I haven’t given it to you, or you’re just not cool enough to spontaneously know it.

And just so you know, you don’t have to send me furniture or other objects that are too big to fit in a mailbox. You can also send me cookies and/or hate mail if you feel so inclined. And in return, I will take pictures of myself and the people around me eating said cookies or reading said hate mail and post them on this blog, and you will get a warm fuzzy feeling when you see me and Roommates sitting on the floor of our living room (because you haven’t sent us a couch yet):

Yeah, feel guilty about this. My watch is SWEET isn’t it?

Oh, guess what? I have friends. Real Montana friends! I know, it’s weird. There are people out there who want to hang out with me, and talk to me, and drink alcohol with me? I never would’ve guessed it either. But I guess you will just have to get used to the fact that I am an amiable person who is perfectly capable of having a relationship with something other than a pet rock. 

In fact, I’m kind of insulted by your assumption that I would remain a lonely hermit for the rest of my life, spending my days conversing with the occasional squirrel that finds its way to my log cabin and knitting socks out of pine needles and cobwebs.

Actually, I am so offended by your assurance that I am undeserving of human contact and by the fact that you still haven’t sent me a couch, that I would prefer it if you didn’t talk to me anymore. But don’t let that stop you from visiting my blog or sending me stuff.

Anyways. Later.

UPDATE: I got these in the mail yesterday. Thanks Jessica!

First Week in Montana= Success, more or less.

Ok, so I know I haven't posted a new blog in a while. I apologize for neglecting you, my... six subscribers... but this is my attempt to make it up to you.

We made it to Montana from Ohio. It took us three days, and what a wonderful, fun-filled three days that was. We ran into about forty hajillion closed roads due to those floods in Iowa, forcing us to travel through Nebraska (which, might I add, is the worst state I have ever been in). Then, when we finally got to Keystone, we made it to Mount Rushmore in time to see it covered in fog. And apparently everything closes in Keystone at 10:00 so we were left to eat dry cereal and listen to my cat moan and try to get in the windows (because he has to be obnoxiously obtrusive on the night when we need to sneak him into the hotel).

But now we're here. It took a few days but I managed to get a job at Target, because apparently, they don't mind that I have no real skills to speak of, other than the ability to look like a troll with a neck wound, an extensive knowledge of bears and Pokémon, and the ability to not have a job (you're welcome for the free endorsement, Target). We don't really have furniture yet, but we're getting there, don't worry. It'll be no time and then we'll have a television AND a couch. :D

Montana's beautiful though. I really can't get over the fact that every time I walk outside, there are mountains, just staring at me. It really is awesome. And the weather is so.... not stifling. I mean, its June and its been right around 70° and not in the least bit humid. I love it. I know, I know; it'll be colder than Antarctica around October, but I prefer not to think about that right now.

My cat still isn't used to the new place. He spends most of his days walking around the house moaning. And then he spends his nights walking around the house moaning. And then when I wake up in the morning, he moans at me. And when I'm reading, he moans at me. And just for a change of pace, he moans at me. I think he might be broken.

And since I didn't post in a very long time, here's a picture of me on my mattress/desk in my new place.
WARNING: This picture is very racy, and I would advise you to remove your children from the room, lest they reach puberty at an alarming rate because of this picture. In fact, you probably shouldn't even look at it. Just turn around and face the wall. You've been warned.























Told you. Now, go clean yourself up.

I am literally crying from laughing so hard.

This is the best fucking blog post ever. No lie.

Anyway, I'm moving to Montana in four days. Four. As in the number 4. And yes, I'm aware that it will be cold as hell. It's June, so that's what? Another month until the sun reappears for a couple days? Yeah, I look forward to all the polar bears and penguins and eskimos and all that crap. Yeah. And ice fishing; don't forget the ice fishing.

I bought this harness for my cat for the trip. Its really cute. Pink, which is his favorite color. When I put it on him, he's so overjoyed that he loses all control of his legs and just looks at me with this look like "What did I ever do to deserve this?!?!?" It's going to be a blast to drive cross-country for three days with just him for company.

I also cut off my rattail. I'm having separation anxiety. Seriously. I don't have a desk anymore either, as it is being prepared for the trek to Montana. My glasses were also destroyed during a drunken rage so I had to dig my old thick-rims from hiding. Yeah, things aren't so hot. But Baby Chikky is alive and well. Baby Chikky says FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

And they were just right...

A bear woke up from his annual hibernation to find that his stomach is growling.
"I sure am hungry." the sleepy bear said.
So he found some berries, but spit them out.
"These berries are far too bitter." the playful bear said.
He then found some honey, however was soon bombarded with a swarm of bees.
"That honey is good, but not that good." the jolly bear said.
He then stumbled upon a cabin.
"I wonder if there is any food in here..." the curteous bear wondered.
The events that followed are now reffered to by the locals as the May 20th Massacre. While no witnesses survived, the police reports depict that the Martinez family, a young family of 7 enjoying their memorial day weekend in their New Hampshire cabin, was brutally slain by a blood-thirsty animal who tracked each of them throughout the house in a period of approximately 45 minutes.

Stardust

“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: you are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded because the elements—the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron—all the things that matter for evolution weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus; the stars died so that you could be here today.”

-Lawrence Krauss

The morning after

I woke up with cat butt in my face :((

I'm not an alcoholic

Ok so I’ve decided to do a drunken blog. I know, I know; you’re all wondering “But Jon, how will you be able to effectively catalog your whole night in one blog post?” Well, I’ll tell you, my dearest friends: by checking in periodically throughout the night and writing exactly what’s on my mind. So buckle up, because we are in for a hell of a night.

8:01 PM: Just cracked open the Arbor Mist Blackberry Merlot. I know, it’s a pretty weak drink for a night of drunken debauchery, but it tastes delicious and I should be pretty toasted by the time I finish the bottle.

My roommates are in their rooms, except one, who is currently at work. My cat is eating his special pee food, and I am alternating between checking my facebook, becoming trapped on Stumbleupon, and listening to Sigur Rós.

Here’s a picture.

You’ll notice that my bedroom has been rearranged and I haven’t gotten around to making my bed in a few weeks.

9:16 PM I just finished my wine… It took longer than I thought it would. I need to speed this shit up if I’m going to be obliterated by bedtime. I’ve been doing some research into the show Bleach and I just shooed my roommate’s cat away from my cat’s pee food.

9:22 PM This is what I call “The Blastoise.” (this is actually a modified Blastoise, because the Blastoise actually has pineapple juice instead of orange-pineapple).

It’s       1 part tonic

            1 part Malibu Coconut Rum

            2 parts Blue Pucker

            1 part Simply Orange with Pineapple

10:03 PM I have a Dos Equis and another Blastoise. I just spent a half an hour on the porch with my roommate. It was EPIC! I pee’d outside. TWICE.

10:26 PM King of the Hill!

10:47 PM I am really kinda drunk. I have had two Blastoises and am now working on my six-pack  of Dos Equis. I really have to pee but I don’t want to stand……… Oh shit.  But look who I have….

BABY CHIKKY!!!!!!!!!!!!:<LKJASJ!!!!

10:53 PM I realize I say “debauchery” a lot. I just locked one of the cats upstairs and accused my roommate of watching porn instead of playing WoW with her boyfriend. OH FUCK, the cat ESCAPED. Sorry for saying fuck, I hope I didn’t offend.

11:04 PM Why penises are better than vaginas: A) Because they aren't vaginas... and that's all I've got.

11:05 PM I'm not sexist... really. Just gay. I prefer penises. Not vaginas. I don't like them. Nothing against girls. I've kissed girls. I like kissing girls... I'd just rather kiss boys.

11:06 PM Still not sexist. 

11:07 PM Is Ann Coulter a real person?

12:01 AM BLEACH!!!!!!

1:07 AM Don't worry everyone. I didn't die from alcohol poisoning. I've just been in my roommate's room. I'm pretty messed up though. Gonna probably go to bed soon. :( I guess I suck. I apologize for sucking so much. Here's a picture of me and my roommate to make up for it...

Later.

Update: I just ate some trail mix. It was delicious.

Daaaa Daa daa daa DAAAA daa....

That was me trying to sing Pomp and Circumstance (I don't think I did a very good job). Anyway, I graduated on Saturday, so I am officially no longer a student of any university.

Naturally, I'm terrified by this. I'm going to have to start paying back student loans in a few months, I need to find a job that will make use of my degree instead of working a minimum wage job at some fast food restaurant, and I'm leaving behind almost all of my best friends in the whole world. I can't begin to describe how utterly distraught I am by this. I just lost the only real structure I had in my life, and I'm getting ready to move to Montana, where I may have even LESS structure. I'm really unsure of how I'm going to handle it. Maybe I'll thrive in such a situation, and maybe I'll go nuts and start wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants...

Hmmm... That might not be so bad.
Move in date is June 17th.
Later.

King Cobra.

I'm a fucking COLLEGE GRADUATE! That's right; today I finished my last final and am now a COLLEGE FUCKING GRADUATE! And I drank a King Cobra to celebrate. Woof. Later.

Pantsless Cat Hour

I set my alarm for 10:30 AM because I didn't have to go to Spanish class and I figured I'd give myself a rare chance to sleep in this morning. This preemptive strategy on my part for a better day was slightly ruined by the fact that my body is now conditioned to awaken at precisely 9:00 every single day without a trace of tiredness. Couple that with the fact that the sun was glaring at the world for the first time in weeks, and you've got a recipe for the most alert college student in well over a century. The rage was almost too much to handle, but my pleasure from realizing that I had not gotten a hangover from last night's Leinie© party quickly outweighed what frustration I felt, so I contented myself with spending ninety minutes not wearing pants, which is one of my favorite pastimes (I know, "pastimes" looks really weird, but I looked it up and that is how you spell it.)

Apparently, sometime in the night, my cat had decided that he needed to strew the contents of my wallet throughout my room. My cat loves to eat plastic, so my wallet filled with student IDs, driver's licenses, credit cards, etc, obviously appeared to him as a plastic buffet. Of course, I needed revenge, so after succumbing to the urge to leave the warmth of my two comforters in order to pee, I settled in to torment the little shit head.

Typically, I just torture my little buddy by making the "HOOOOOOOOOOOOO" noise at him, which usually results in him leaving the room as quickly as possible, but today, I needed to prolong the agony, so I tied a shoestring around his waist. This used to provide hours of entertainment as he tried in vain to simultaneously attack and escape from the enemy/victim now attached to his body. Unfortunately for me, he's used to my shenanigans, so instead of giving me the satisfaction of seeing him in anguish, he merely chewed on the end of the shoestring and walked out of the room without a scene. I found the shoestring in the hallway less than five minutes later. Now its almost time for me to put on pants, the cat is sitting in the window, and I swear to god he's got a smug little smile on his face because he knows that he won this round. At least Baby Chikky still loves me. BABY CHIIIIIIKKKKYYYY!!!! :]
Later.

You're Not Dreamy, Edward Cullen.

Yeah that's a Leinenkugel© in my hand and perched on my glasses is one of those little fuzzy chicks you get in your Easter baskets when your parents don't want you to overdose on sugar. In short, I was really bored so I bought a six-pack of Leinenkugel's© "Summer Shandy"and am now having a drunken party in my room with Baby Chikky. I totally just sent a text to Father saying "Baby Chikky says heeey"... which I meant to send to Lesbian Best Friend. Oops.

I should probably stop before I make more horrendous mistakes like that.

Update: The cat situation has been solved and the furball will be joining us in Montana. WOOT.

Ok, Baby Chikky and I are going to go downstairs for another beer so I can effectively enjoy this rain storm and avoid studying for my finals.
Later.

Sour Patch© Jelly Beans

These are delicious. Sorry that the picture is backward. I can't figure out how to flip photos on the iMac (if anyone has pointers, please let me know). You're welcome Sour Patch© for the free advertising. I probably shouldn't be eating these at 1:15 in the morning, but this is the first time this week that I don't need to be awake at 5:00 AM to go to work, so it's ok. Anyway, try these.
Later.

What the hell.

I'm graduating in a week and a half. My whole family's coming to watch me walk across a stage and receive a piece of paper from a rinky-dink university in Oxicodone City. After graduation, I'll have to act like a real adult-- you know, not just be considered an adult legally... I mean, do things that adults do, like clean, and take care of bills, and mow the lawn without someone telling me to do it. I won't be able to complain that I've got homework, or that I have class in the morning.

The really scary thing is that I'm moving to Montana in a little over a month. I'm really excited about getting out there, but I'm very apprehensive about the lack of monetary income that will begin in June. Also, the apartment we're getting requires a $400 pet deposit with an added $20 fee every month. So I'm left with a choice; either I pay the money and deal with it, or I give up the cat that I've had since he was a kitten. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm going to pick the cat over this inconvenience, but this doesn't seem to be the popular choice in the equation. My father doesn't want me to take him, and my (future) roommates and I were forced to choose a more expensive apartment because the cheaper places don't allow pets (of course). And when I say "more expensive", I'm talking about a difference of a couple hundred dollars. I'm not exactly sure what to do... I feel really bad that we're all spending so much more money for my cat, but I feel like crying every time I think about leaving my little buddy two timezones away from me... and then he knocks over my drink when he gets in the window, and I consider it.
Later.

The end is in sight.

Its April. That means I have little over a month until I graduate. I'll admit that I'm a little scared about what I'm doing with my life after college, and I'm going to miss everyone a lot... but I'm really excited to get out of this town. I'm not exaggerating when I say that Portsmouth is the asshole of Ohio (and with the current state of affairs in Ohio, that's really saying something). I'm so happy to get away.

Nothing to write about.

I really have nothing to write about today. I've been working all weekend, Jon's getting married tomorrow, and I have five Dos Equis in my fridge right now, but I don't have anything to say about any of that. So here's this to make up for my lack of insight.
Later.

Being Gay

I really love being gay. It's probably one of my favorite things in the world. I think everyone should be a little bit gay. I love lesbians. They're the greatest people in the world. Doesn't everyone just say "awww" whenever they see a gay couple being happy in real life? I dare you to see a girl sneak a quick kiss with her girlfriend and not think its the cutest thing on the entire planet. Being gay is beautiful. Boys dancing together at parties, women growing old together, girls passing a simple note that says "Do you love me? Yes or No", it's all wonderful. It makes me happy. Happier than hula hooping, or turkey crunch wraps, or Lady Gaga, or web comics... Being gay makes me want to sing, jump, dinosaur dance, rage, explode, and grin... all at once.

In short:
I love being gay.
Later.

I want to go here.

This is Holi, the festival of colors, as it is celebrated in India. I want to do this in America.

Interspecies Play-dates

So what if pets had their friends over? I mean, like we have friends over? What if they were like our actual children and could just hang out with other animals from around the neighborhood. Would we stop them from hanging out with anything other than their species? Would our cats get in trouble if they started hanging out with dogs? Would there be certain liberal pet owners that would let their pet turtles hang out with hamsters because "this is the 21st century, stop being speciesist"? I mean, if I returned to my home to find that my cat had become bffs with an echidna, I'd probably allow it. Not a spider though. Those are creepy. Later.

The Day After St. Patrick's Day

I decided to drink last night in honor of St. Patty's Day. I started the night off right by dancing in a parking lot to "The Dog Days are Over" by Florence+ The Machine. Then I ended up waiting for Brooke to get off work for a couple of hours and lost my buzz, so we decided to go to the bars. 

The bars around here are normally pretty lame, and last night was no exception. Dirty Butt's, sadly, was probably the place to be, but I have an aversion to skank, so we walked back over to the Royal. After a couple of shots, we weren't feeling a damn thing so we went home to watch American Dad.

I'm going hiking today with Jon. I'm packing an organic picnic, which I look forward to consuming :)

Hopefully it doesn't rain on us. Later.

Laundry day

Today's my laundry day. Yep, that's the highlight of my day. I've gotta work at 4, and that is typically terrible. I'll also need to go to bed slightly early tonight, since I'm working dayshift tomorrow...

Jon's out of town until Friday, which kinda stinks, but we're going for a hike when he gets back. That should be pretty fun.

I need to get gas, peanut butter and jelly... and bread, and price a tattoo. Fuck.... I gotta get off of here and do this shit. Later.

A las tres y treinta de la tarde

Its spring break. I realize that this is the last spring break I will have in Ohio. I also realize that I have never gone to a REAL spring break party. This doesn't bother me too much, as I am not one for parties. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I love nothing more than waking up naked with my iMac after a night of debauchery, but they are few and far between.

So I spent the first day of my break cleaning. Well, technically, I slept until 11:00, spent a couple hours cleaning, and then went to spend Jon's lunch break with him. The fluorescent light above our table was flickering, and it gave me a headache, but the cheese-sticks weren't terrible and Jon seemed genuinely pleased with the Sigur Rós album that I gave him, so I consider it a decent outing.

On another note I have done considerably well with not eating meat for Lent, apart from a couple random pieces of bacon and the sushi I had on Saturday (not like it really matters, since I'm about as non-Catholic as you can get). Also, my manager is letting me go to Penn Station on my breaks, so I enjoy an artichoke sub on a regular basis now :]

I think that's about all for now, I've got to be at work in fifteen minutes, and god-forbid I'M late like the rest of the crew. Later.

P.A.H.

Caramel Apple Spice and Blue Tortilla

I've been wanting to start a blog for a while now, but I haven't been too sure of what to even write about. Even now, with my fancy title glaring at me from my computer screen, I'm having trouble collecting enough thoughts to make this first blog worth something. As the first of hopefully many blogs, this one needs to set a precedent of interest that the others will hopefully maintain. This is the one that should catch your eye, that will leave you wanting more, that hopefully will not suck... Meh, I'm out of things to say... More tomorrow. Later.

P.A.H.