The Top Ten Reasons Why I Would Make A Good Boyfriend

I think most guys underestimate my ability to be a good boyfriend. Maybe its my abrasive personality and lack of social skills, but I honestly feel like my good qualities do actually outweigh the bad. Here are a few of my very best attributes for all you boys looking for a great relationship.

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Would Make A Good Boyfriend

1. I am almost certainly not a rapist. I feel like one of my most positive personality traits is my lack of rapist-like tendencies.

2. I'm self-effacing. This means that you can beat me down emotionally and I'll pretty much just become your little slave. All you really need to do is threaten to leave me and I'll be like "Oh no! There's no way I'll ever find anyone better than this particular douchebag! Let me completely change my personality so that I don't end up alone for the rest of my life!" Ta-da! You win.

3. If you need to know anything about bears, I have got that covered.

4. I'm successful: I have a part-time job in retail and a degree that I don't use.

5. I can almost do the laundry and wash the dishes. I haven't quite figured out the concept of fabric softener or dryer sheets, but I'm getting there. Plus, I have the ability to put a white shirt in a load of laundry with a red shirt and not give a fuck about the outcome.

6. I require about as much space as the average goldfish.

7. I will only speak when spoken to.

8. When you come home from work, I will kiss you and have a Hot Pocket waiting on you. Oh yeah, that's right-- this hot bitch can cook almost anything that comes in a box with microwave instructions.

9. I will put up with pretty much anything and will probably enable your drinking habit.

10. I will love and fear you forever.

So yeah, there you have it. Sounds like quite a deal, eh boys? I pretty much operate on a first come, first serve basis, so I'll most likely just latch on to any opportunity that presents itself without much thought for little issues like your personality, physical attraction, compatibility, major personal differences, etc. etc. And if you ever decide you don't want me around anymore, I'll just assume something is wrong with me and go crawl into a hole and die. There's no way for you to lose. Booyah!