The Top Ten Reasons Why I Would Make A Good Boyfriend

I think most guys underestimate my ability to be a good boyfriend. Maybe its my abrasive personality and lack of social skills, but I honestly feel like my good qualities do actually outweigh the bad. Here are a few of my very best attributes for all you boys looking for a great relationship.

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Would Make A Good Boyfriend

1. I am almost certainly not a rapist. I feel like one of my most positive personality traits is my lack of rapist-like tendencies.

2. I'm self-effacing. This means that you can beat me down emotionally and I'll pretty much just become your little slave. All you really need to do is threaten to leave me and I'll be like "Oh no! There's no way I'll ever find anyone better than this particular douchebag! Let me completely change my personality so that I don't end up alone for the rest of my life!" Ta-da! You win.

3. If you need to know anything about bears, I have got that covered.

4. I'm successful: I have a part-time job in retail and a degree that I don't use.

5. I can almost do the laundry and wash the dishes. I haven't quite figured out the concept of fabric softener or dryer sheets, but I'm getting there. Plus, I have the ability to put a white shirt in a load of laundry with a red shirt and not give a fuck about the outcome.

6. I require about as much space as the average goldfish.

7. I will only speak when spoken to.

8. When you come home from work, I will kiss you and have a Hot Pocket waiting on you. Oh yeah, that's right-- this hot bitch can cook almost anything that comes in a box with microwave instructions.

9. I will put up with pretty much anything and will probably enable your drinking habit.

10. I will love and fear you forever.

So yeah, there you have it. Sounds like quite a deal, eh boys? I pretty much operate on a first come, first serve basis, so I'll most likely just latch on to any opportunity that presents itself without much thought for little issues like your personality, physical attraction, compatibility, major personal differences, etc. etc. And if you ever decide you don't want me around anymore, I'll just assume something is wrong with me and go crawl into a hole and die. There's no way for you to lose. Booyah!

Well this is depressing

There's a monster living in my stomach. Every time I move, it growls and starts gnawing away at my insides. I don't really know what it is or where it came from, but it is an angry little fucker and it is not content with me having a good time.

My day started out fairly above average. I woke up, feeling pretty damn happy. I kissed the guy next to me and got out of bed to get ready for work. My good mood pretty much stayed with me all day. I had a raspberry white tea and a Jimmie John's sub for lunch. I got to work with a good friend. My new hula hoop came in the mail today, and I played with it for a while. 

Now I am lying in the floor, wishing I was dead. The monster in my internal organs is eating its way through my entire body, leaving me feeling like a hollow shell... only heavier... so much heavier than a hollow shell should ever feel... If I had the energy, I'd strangle something, but all I want to do is crawl into bed and forget that I even exist on this plane of reality.

I don't know what this is. I am nauseous and sweating pretty profusely... I just don't know what brought this on. Anxiety? The Wendy's I ate after work? Ebola? Who knows... who cares... I know I don't, on either account. 

Bye. Wish me luck.

P.S. The cat's not back either...

Boom Boom

That's the sound I'm hearing outside my house. Its the 4th of July here in Montana, and everyone in town is letting off fireworks. I've confined myself to my room for the evening because I'm kind of feeling down. I don't even have anything witty to say.

My cat ran away in the night. Somehow, he got out the door, and he ran away... I don't have any idea where to look for him. I'm printing flyers to hang up around the apartment complex and I'm calling the humane society tomorrow... but I don't know if it will do any good...

I was going to write an interesting blog for the 4th; something about Amurica and patriotism and what not... but I don't think I have it in me. I miss my little Gentleman..















Later.

I've realized that I am horribly awkward in real life.

I tried making a video blog today. My thought was that other people had gained a lot of fame by "vlogging" and if they could do it, why couldn't I? Well, there are several reasons why...

1. I am not that interesting. People prefer to be entertained when they watch a vlogger, not bored to tears.

2. I am not charismatic. In fact, every time I tried to start a video, I just became really awkward and proceeded to stutter until my own judgements of myself caught up to me and I just started screaming and naming objects that I could reach without leaving the view of the camera. There's only so many times a viewer wants to watch me yell "CHAPSTICK! UKULELE! KEYS! MOOCOW CAT!" and I exceeded that number within the first thirty seconds of my video.

3. I have a cat with the uncanny ability to know when the camera is running. This knowledge always prompts him to walk past the camera so that his tail crosses the screen several times before I am finished with the mediocre story that I am telling.

4. I tell mediocre stories. Seriously, I have no reason to vlog. I was going to spend four minutes talking about the check I received in the mail from my school. Why would anyone want to hear about that? That's right; they wouldn't. I actually shouldn't even be blogging, and the fact that you're spending the time necessary to read this tripe is a testament to your lack of a life. Be ashamed.

5. I may or may not know how to edit a video (with a little more emphasis on the may not). I tried using iMovies on my iMac. Let me just start by saying that I shouldn't be allowed around sophisticated computer programs. I don't know how I did it, but after "editing" my video, it was somehow worse than it was in the first place.

In short, it's probably best for society if I just stick to good, old-fashioned blogging. Ok, it'd probably be best for society if I just disconnected myself from the rest of civilization and joined an Amish community, but how would that help me succeed in becoming famous? It wouldn't, and that would be unacceptable.

Send me junk. Like furniture and cookies.

It’s getting warm out here in Montana (and for you Ohio kids, I mean that it’s finally hit 80°. Yeah, be jealous). I start my training at Target tomorrow, and I’m pretty excited about having something to do during the day. My cat seems to be calmer than before, but he’s also settling into a routine that involves waking me up around 5:00 in the morning so that I can give him some catnip. That’s right, my cat is a junkie and he needs his fix. Wanna fight about it?

Roommates and I are still without most furniture (TVs, couches, bedframes, etc) so if any of you want to give us things like TVs, couches, bedframes, etc. feel free to send them to my address. If you don’t know my address, it just means that either I haven’t given it to you, or you’re just not cool enough to spontaneously know it.

And just so you know, you don’t have to send me furniture or other objects that are too big to fit in a mailbox. You can also send me cookies and/or hate mail if you feel so inclined. And in return, I will take pictures of myself and the people around me eating said cookies or reading said hate mail and post them on this blog, and you will get a warm fuzzy feeling when you see me and Roommates sitting on the floor of our living room (because you haven’t sent us a couch yet):

Yeah, feel guilty about this. My watch is SWEET isn’t it?

Oh, guess what? I have friends. Real Montana friends! I know, it’s weird. There are people out there who want to hang out with me, and talk to me, and drink alcohol with me? I never would’ve guessed it either. But I guess you will just have to get used to the fact that I am an amiable person who is perfectly capable of having a relationship with something other than a pet rock. 

In fact, I’m kind of insulted by your assumption that I would remain a lonely hermit for the rest of my life, spending my days conversing with the occasional squirrel that finds its way to my log cabin and knitting socks out of pine needles and cobwebs.

Actually, I am so offended by your assurance that I am undeserving of human contact and by the fact that you still haven’t sent me a couch, that I would prefer it if you didn’t talk to me anymore. But don’t let that stop you from visiting my blog or sending me stuff.

Anyways. Later.

UPDATE: I got these in the mail yesterday. Thanks Jessica!

First Week in Montana= Success, more or less.

Ok, so I know I haven't posted a new blog in a while. I apologize for neglecting you, my... six subscribers... but this is my attempt to make it up to you.

We made it to Montana from Ohio. It took us three days, and what a wonderful, fun-filled three days that was. We ran into about forty hajillion closed roads due to those floods in Iowa, forcing us to travel through Nebraska (which, might I add, is the worst state I have ever been in). Then, when we finally got to Keystone, we made it to Mount Rushmore in time to see it covered in fog. And apparently everything closes in Keystone at 10:00 so we were left to eat dry cereal and listen to my cat moan and try to get in the windows (because he has to be obnoxiously obtrusive on the night when we need to sneak him into the hotel).

But now we're here. It took a few days but I managed to get a job at Target, because apparently, they don't mind that I have no real skills to speak of, other than the ability to look like a troll with a neck wound, an extensive knowledge of bears and Pokémon, and the ability to not have a job (you're welcome for the free endorsement, Target). We don't really have furniture yet, but we're getting there, don't worry. It'll be no time and then we'll have a television AND a couch. :D

Montana's beautiful though. I really can't get over the fact that every time I walk outside, there are mountains, just staring at me. It really is awesome. And the weather is so.... not stifling. I mean, its June and its been right around 70° and not in the least bit humid. I love it. I know, I know; it'll be colder than Antarctica around October, but I prefer not to think about that right now.

My cat still isn't used to the new place. He spends most of his days walking around the house moaning. And then he spends his nights walking around the house moaning. And then when I wake up in the morning, he moans at me. And when I'm reading, he moans at me. And just for a change of pace, he moans at me. I think he might be broken.

And since I didn't post in a very long time, here's a picture of me on my mattress/desk in my new place.
WARNING: This picture is very racy, and I would advise you to remove your children from the room, lest they reach puberty at an alarming rate because of this picture. In fact, you probably shouldn't even look at it. Just turn around and face the wall. You've been warned.























Told you. Now, go clean yourself up.

I am literally crying from laughing so hard.

This is the best fucking blog post ever. No lie.

Anyway, I'm moving to Montana in four days. Four. As in the number 4. And yes, I'm aware that it will be cold as hell. It's June, so that's what? Another month until the sun reappears for a couple days? Yeah, I look forward to all the polar bears and penguins and eskimos and all that crap. Yeah. And ice fishing; don't forget the ice fishing.

I bought this harness for my cat for the trip. Its really cute. Pink, which is his favorite color. When I put it on him, he's so overjoyed that he loses all control of his legs and just looks at me with this look like "What did I ever do to deserve this?!?!?" It's going to be a blast to drive cross-country for three days with just him for company.

I also cut off my rattail. I'm having separation anxiety. Seriously. I don't have a desk anymore either, as it is being prepared for the trek to Montana. My glasses were also destroyed during a drunken rage so I had to dig my old thick-rims from hiding. Yeah, things aren't so hot. But Baby Chikky is alive and well. Baby Chikky says FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-