Distractions from adulthood

I know, I know. I haven't written in a week or two. It's not my fault, I swear. I just have this problem where I sit down to do something and then I get distracted by other things. For example, this morning, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and then realized that I can create an infinite series of reflections using my cabinet mirror and the mirror over the sink. Then I had to take a picture of it.

After about twenty minutes of playing with the mirrors and doing a strip tease for myself, I realized that I still hadn't brushed my teeth. This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I'll usually think of something that I need to do, and then I'll do something that is marginally more interesting and much less productive. This tends to get me into some trouble, because in the real world, you have to do boring things, like paying the bills, and the real world tends to penalize you if you fail to do those boring tasks because you were busy playing with this. I'm sure you just spent at least ten minutes on that page. You're welcome.

I think my original point was that I'm going to try to write more. I have a pretty interesting story about a party I went to this past weekend, and that may be my next post. Also, you guys should give me a few ideas and maybe I'll write posts related to those topics. That should be fun. Anyway... until next time. Peace.

And now I can't move.

I got drunk last night. It was a good idea. I went out to a couple bars with my friends, had a few drinks, met a few new people, etc etc. We decided that we should head back to a friend's place and continue drinking. I thought this would be a good opportunity to get my blackberry wine from my house. So I head home, run inside, and decide that I need to leap the steps leading down to my apartment mostly because it would be epic and save so much time that could be used for consuming more alcohol. Ah, the hubris. I flew far too close to the sun... and smacked my face off that little ledge that hangs down over some stairways (anyone know what the technical term for that is? Because I don't). Of course, smacking your head into a wall while jumping has negative affects on your body. And that's why I am finding it hard to breathe today. I may have cracked a rib, and I may not be running for a few days. It's ok though, the blackberry wine was delicious.

EDIT: That wall is called a "knee wall" or "pony wall". Thanks Chelsea, for bringing this to my attention :D

What the hell, Neville??

Ok, I just have to ask: WHEN DID NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM GET HOT?! No, seriously. Have you seen this kid? Stone. Cold. Fox.
In case you don't know what I'm talking about (in which case, you should probably just end your sad excuse for a life right now), Neville Longbottom is the clutzy, good-natured, chubby kid that started at Hogwarts with Harry "Keanu Reeves" Potter, Hermione "Fucking Awesome" Granger, and Ron "Sulks-A-Lot" Weasley. Now when he was first cast in this role, Matthew Lewis looked like this:

Yeah. Pretty much looks like a clutzy, good-natured, chubby kid, doesn't he?

Well the interesting thing about this character is his progression from the last one picked for kickball to this lovable, noble, badass-mother-fucker with a deep, dark backstory that rivals Harry's own tragic past.

By the end of the series, Neville is leading a band of social activists in a battle against the most tyrannical political force that the Wizarding World has ever faced. The man has practically lost his parents to the enemy, his grandmother's life is threatened, he's tortured on numerous occasions, but the guy will not give up. His perseverance and loyalty to his friends and loved ones turns him into one of the most unexpected heroes of the series. And to top it all off, now he looks like this:

Uh... yeah. Just look at this, guys. That. Is. Neville. Fucking. Longbottom. Mmmmhmm.
Wow.
Just a minute... I'm still staring.
Ok.

In other news, a friend of mine let me know that she personally enjoys reading my blogs aloud. Let me just say that that is a fantastic idea. All of you should be reading my blogs aloud. It really adds to the affect of my writing. Feel free to use whatever voices that you feel are necessary in conveying the depth of emotion in my blogposts, especially if those voices are Miss Swan, William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, or Sean Connery.

Neville. Fucking. Longbottom.... Damn.

EDIT: Feel absolutely free to AutoTune yourself while reading my blogs. I would like nothing better. In fact, I recommend that you do.

I may have been poisoned by a bear

I am unable to fall asleep. I know, it's like noon. I shouldn't be asleep anyway right now, but let me defend my ambitions. I woke up at 5:30 this morning. And I haven't been able to go back to sleep. And its making me cranky. I tried counting things in my head but all that did was make me wonder if I have OCD. I also tried listening to peaceful music like this, but it hasn't helped because I started fantasizing about Rick Astley's ginger balls. I even tried taking a bunch of Tylenol PM and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel's, but that didn't knock me out either. So I've resigned myself to staying up all day and hopefully passing out in time to get a decent night's sleep before work tomorrow.

On a lighter note, I may have the plague. My eye started bleeding yesterday. That was pretty cool. My friends all say it was probably just a broken blood vessel, but none of them are medically trained, and I know the symptoms of the plague when I see them. So if you never hear from me again, that's probably why. And here I thought I'd be killed by a grizzly bear. Although it was probably a bear that gave me the plague, because bears have been known to develop some pretty intense biological weapons. Those little rascals!


For more information on bears and how to recognize a bear, please refer to this article by Allie Brosh.

Now, I've got about a gallon of coffee to drink so that I won't be tempted to fall asleep at the wheel of my car. Later kids.

EDIT: No, I didn't actually mix alcohol and tylenol. Have a little more faith in me than that.

EDIT: Yes, I did mean to Rick Roll you. You're welcome.

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Would Make A Good Boyfriend

I think most guys underestimate my ability to be a good boyfriend. Maybe its my abrasive personality and lack of social skills, but I honestly feel like my good qualities do actually outweigh the bad. Here are a few of my very best attributes for all you boys looking for a great relationship.

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Would Make A Good Boyfriend

1. I am almost certainly not a rapist. I feel like one of my most positive personality traits is my lack of rapist-like tendencies.

2. I'm self-effacing. This means that you can beat me down emotionally and I'll pretty much just become your little slave. All you really need to do is threaten to leave me and I'll be like "Oh no! There's no way I'll ever find anyone better than this particular douchebag! Let me completely change my personality so that I don't end up alone for the rest of my life!" Ta-da! You win.

3. If you need to know anything about bears, I have got that covered.

4. I'm successful: I have a part-time job in retail and a degree that I don't use.

5. I can almost do the laundry and wash the dishes. I haven't quite figured out the concept of fabric softener or dryer sheets, but I'm getting there. Plus, I have the ability to put a white shirt in a load of laundry with a red shirt and not give a fuck about the outcome.

6. I require about as much space as the average goldfish.

7. I will only speak when spoken to.

8. When you come home from work, I will kiss you and have a Hot Pocket waiting on you. Oh yeah, that's right-- this hot bitch can cook almost anything that comes in a box with microwave instructions.

9. I will put up with pretty much anything and will probably enable your drinking habit.

10. I will love and fear you forever.

So yeah, there you have it. Sounds like quite a deal, eh boys? I pretty much operate on a first come, first serve basis, so I'll most likely just latch on to any opportunity that presents itself without much thought for little issues like your personality, physical attraction, compatibility, major personal differences, etc. etc. And if you ever decide you don't want me around anymore, I'll just assume something is wrong with me and go crawl into a hole and die. There's no way for you to lose. Booyah!

Well this is depressing

There's a monster living in my stomach. Every time I move, it growls and starts gnawing away at my insides. I don't really know what it is or where it came from, but it is an angry little fucker and it is not content with me having a good time.

My day started out fairly above average. I woke up, feeling pretty damn happy. I kissed the guy next to me and got out of bed to get ready for work. My good mood pretty much stayed with me all day. I had a raspberry white tea and a Jimmie John's sub for lunch. I got to work with a good friend. My new hula hoop came in the mail today, and I played with it for a while. 

Now I am lying in the floor, wishing I was dead. The monster in my internal organs is eating its way through my entire body, leaving me feeling like a hollow shell... only heavier... so much heavier than a hollow shell should ever feel... If I had the energy, I'd strangle something, but all I want to do is crawl into bed and forget that I even exist on this plane of reality.

I don't know what this is. I am nauseous and sweating pretty profusely... I just don't know what brought this on. Anxiety? The Wendy's I ate after work? Ebola? Who knows... who cares... I know I don't, on either account. 

Bye. Wish me luck.

P.S. The cat's not back either...

Boom Boom

That's the sound I'm hearing outside my house. Its the 4th of July here in Montana, and everyone in town is letting off fireworks. I've confined myself to my room for the evening because I'm kind of feeling down. I don't even have anything witty to say.

My cat ran away in the night. Somehow, he got out the door, and he ran away... I don't have any idea where to look for him. I'm printing flyers to hang up around the apartment complex and I'm calling the humane society tomorrow... but I don't know if it will do any good...

I was going to write an interesting blog for the 4th; something about Amurica and patriotism and what not... but I don't think I have it in me. I miss my little Gentleman..















Later.

I've realized that I am horribly awkward in real life.

I tried making a video blog today. My thought was that other people had gained a lot of fame by "vlogging" and if they could do it, why couldn't I? Well, there are several reasons why...

1. I am not that interesting. People prefer to be entertained when they watch a vlogger, not bored to tears.

2. I am not charismatic. In fact, every time I tried to start a video, I just became really awkward and proceeded to stutter until my own judgements of myself caught up to me and I just started screaming and naming objects that I could reach without leaving the view of the camera. There's only so many times a viewer wants to watch me yell "CHAPSTICK! UKULELE! KEYS! MOOCOW CAT!" and I exceeded that number within the first thirty seconds of my video.

3. I have a cat with the uncanny ability to know when the camera is running. This knowledge always prompts him to walk past the camera so that his tail crosses the screen several times before I am finished with the mediocre story that I am telling.

4. I tell mediocre stories. Seriously, I have no reason to vlog. I was going to spend four minutes talking about the check I received in the mail from my school. Why would anyone want to hear about that? That's right; they wouldn't. I actually shouldn't even be blogging, and the fact that you're spending the time necessary to read this tripe is a testament to your lack of a life. Be ashamed.

5. I may or may not know how to edit a video (with a little more emphasis on the may not). I tried using iMovies on my iMac. Let me just start by saying that I shouldn't be allowed around sophisticated computer programs. I don't know how I did it, but after "editing" my video, it was somehow worse than it was in the first place.

In short, it's probably best for society if I just stick to good, old-fashioned blogging. Ok, it'd probably be best for society if I just disconnected myself from the rest of civilization and joined an Amish community, but how would that help me succeed in becoming famous? It wouldn't, and that would be unacceptable.