Another Drunk Blog

Hey people. I know its been a while so I'm going to treat you to another drunk blog. The reason for the season is the fact that today, I was planning on getting dinner for me and my Montana Best Friend. Unfortunately, Montana Best Friend decided to wait until I was off work to let me know that he was going out with some friends. I probably would've joined him but I would rather scrape my own eyeballs out of my head than be around one of his friends (we'll call this guy a Cunt). Anyways, since Montana Best Friend probably wouldn't take too kindly to me telling Cunt to go kill himself, I decided to go to the gas station down the street and buy three tall boys and have a blog party here with the Gentleman (my cat, for those of you who don't know already).

8:50 PM 
Just cracked open my beer.

That's me, in case you weren't aware. That is also a backward Bud Light can. Oh, if you haven't heard, I finally have a couch. :)

9:01 PM
Watching MSNBC until better things come on. I really feel like I've fallen out of the loop since I came to Montana. I don't watch the news anymore, I don't read the newspapers.... I'm just stuck in my own little world of Tumblr and Facebook... pretty sad...

9:08 PM
Skyping with Kristen McClellan and listening to Nicki Minaj. Trying to figure out what smells like feces. Might be my cat... might be the feces in the floor next to me.

9:14 PM
Why do I like Katy Perry now?


9:19 PM
I drink too slowly.

9:41 PM
I just ordered Pita Pit! My cat is moaning at me from down the hall.

10:00 PM 
King of the Hill and another beer. I miss German Best Friend :(

10:44 PM
I have decided that I will be returning to Ohio next summer to watch the premier of Snow White and the Huntsman with my posse back home. I have decided this because I am super drunk and the thought of watching Kristen fucking Stewart fight Charlize Theron with my closest friends makes me a little wet. Wait was that inappropriate? Hm.... oops... Let me imitate the outrage of the mothers reading my blog.

That is what most mothers do when they are experiencing the emotion of outrage. They crush beer cans and make angry faces. Then they ride off into the sunset on their motorcycles in search of middle-aged Brett Michaels groupies to have sex with.

11:01 PM
AMERICAN DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't fucking judge me.

11:02 PM

That's a picture of me telling you not to fucking judge me.

11:14 PM
I hate this town. I want to go home.
It's alright.

11:16 PM
To all my Bozeman friends; I don't really hate it here.
To all my Ohio friends; *whispers* Yes, I do.

11:50 PM
I'm out of beer :((

12:08 AM
I am not as excited about Family Guy as I was about American Dad. I apologize.

12:45 AM
I'm going to go read for a while. I'm sorry if this blog post didn't live up to your expectations. Later.

I want

to die. That's it. Bye.

The return of the gentleman!

So I know I said my next post would be about a wild night with my bestie, but today, I have news. RILEY FREEMAN THE GENTLEMAN HAS RETURNED FROM THE WILD!!!!! That's right, I found my kitty cat :D
Here's proof:
Yeah, there he is. The little scamp. I was feeling bored last night, so I took a walk. I was probably less than a mile from my house on this little trail, when I saw Mr. Freeman sitting right in the middle of the road! Let me tell you now that I almost shit my pants. I ran up to him, and he just meowed at me. Best. Reunion. Ever.

He's super skinny, but other than that, seems to be pretty healthy. And he doesn't act like he's been feral for the past month. I think he prefers our company. Oh, and he still understands the litter box, which is a major plus.

That's all for now, but next time, I promise I will tell you the story of our night out.

Distractions from adulthood

I know, I know. I haven't written in a week or two. It's not my fault, I swear. I just have this problem where I sit down to do something and then I get distracted by other things. For example, this morning, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and then realized that I can create an infinite series of reflections using my cabinet mirror and the mirror over the sink. Then I had to take a picture of it.

After about twenty minutes of playing with the mirrors and doing a strip tease for myself, I realized that I still hadn't brushed my teeth. This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I'll usually think of something that I need to do, and then I'll do something that is marginally more interesting and much less productive. This tends to get me into some trouble, because in the real world, you have to do boring things, like paying the bills, and the real world tends to penalize you if you fail to do those boring tasks because you were busy playing with this. I'm sure you just spent at least ten minutes on that page. You're welcome.

I think my original point was that I'm going to try to write more. I have a pretty interesting story about a party I went to this past weekend, and that may be my next post. Also, you guys should give me a few ideas and maybe I'll write posts related to those topics. That should be fun. Anyway... until next time. Peace.

And now I can't move.

I got drunk last night. It was a good idea. I went out to a couple bars with my friends, had a few drinks, met a few new people, etc etc. We decided that we should head back to a friend's place and continue drinking. I thought this would be a good opportunity to get my blackberry wine from my house. So I head home, run inside, and decide that I need to leap the steps leading down to my apartment mostly because it would be epic and save so much time that could be used for consuming more alcohol. Ah, the hubris. I flew far too close to the sun... and smacked my face off that little ledge that hangs down over some stairways (anyone know what the technical term for that is? Because I don't). Of course, smacking your head into a wall while jumping has negative affects on your body. And that's why I am finding it hard to breathe today. I may have cracked a rib, and I may not be running for a few days. It's ok though, the blackberry wine was delicious.

EDIT: That wall is called a "knee wall" or "pony wall". Thanks Chelsea, for bringing this to my attention :D

What the hell, Neville??

Ok, I just have to ask: WHEN DID NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM GET HOT?! No, seriously. Have you seen this kid? Stone. Cold. Fox.
In case you don't know what I'm talking about (in which case, you should probably just end your sad excuse for a life right now), Neville Longbottom is the clutzy, good-natured, chubby kid that started at Hogwarts with Harry "Keanu Reeves" Potter, Hermione "Fucking Awesome" Granger, and Ron "Sulks-A-Lot" Weasley. Now when he was first cast in this role, Matthew Lewis looked like this:

Yeah. Pretty much looks like a clutzy, good-natured, chubby kid, doesn't he?

Well the interesting thing about this character is his progression from the last one picked for kickball to this lovable, noble, badass-mother-fucker with a deep, dark backstory that rivals Harry's own tragic past.

By the end of the series, Neville is leading a band of social activists in a battle against the most tyrannical political force that the Wizarding World has ever faced. The man has practically lost his parents to the enemy, his grandmother's life is threatened, he's tortured on numerous occasions, but the guy will not give up. His perseverance and loyalty to his friends and loved ones turns him into one of the most unexpected heroes of the series. And to top it all off, now he looks like this:

Uh... yeah. Just look at this, guys. That. Is. Neville. Fucking. Longbottom. Mmmmhmm.
Wow.
Just a minute... I'm still staring.
Ok.

In other news, a friend of mine let me know that she personally enjoys reading my blogs aloud. Let me just say that that is a fantastic idea. All of you should be reading my blogs aloud. It really adds to the affect of my writing. Feel free to use whatever voices that you feel are necessary in conveying the depth of emotion in my blogposts, especially if those voices are Miss Swan, William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, or Sean Connery.

Neville. Fucking. Longbottom.... Damn.

EDIT: Feel absolutely free to AutoTune yourself while reading my blogs. I would like nothing better. In fact, I recommend that you do.

I may have been poisoned by a bear

I am unable to fall asleep. I know, it's like noon. I shouldn't be asleep anyway right now, but let me defend my ambitions. I woke up at 5:30 this morning. And I haven't been able to go back to sleep. And its making me cranky. I tried counting things in my head but all that did was make me wonder if I have OCD. I also tried listening to peaceful music like this, but it hasn't helped because I started fantasizing about Rick Astley's ginger balls. I even tried taking a bunch of Tylenol PM and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel's, but that didn't knock me out either. So I've resigned myself to staying up all day and hopefully passing out in time to get a decent night's sleep before work tomorrow.

On a lighter note, I may have the plague. My eye started bleeding yesterday. That was pretty cool. My friends all say it was probably just a broken blood vessel, but none of them are medically trained, and I know the symptoms of the plague when I see them. So if you never hear from me again, that's probably why. And here I thought I'd be killed by a grizzly bear. Although it was probably a bear that gave me the plague, because bears have been known to develop some pretty intense biological weapons. Those little rascals!


For more information on bears and how to recognize a bear, please refer to this article by Allie Brosh.

Now, I've got about a gallon of coffee to drink so that I won't be tempted to fall asleep at the wheel of my car. Later kids.

EDIT: No, I didn't actually mix alcohol and tylenol. Have a little more faith in me than that.

EDIT: Yes, I did mean to Rick Roll you. You're welcome.