And they were just right...

A bear woke up from his annual hibernation to find that his stomach is growling.
"I sure am hungry." the sleepy bear said.
So he found some berries, but spit them out.
"These berries are far too bitter." the playful bear said.
He then found some honey, however was soon bombarded with a swarm of bees.
"That honey is good, but not that good." the jolly bear said.
He then stumbled upon a cabin.
"I wonder if there is any food in here..." the curteous bear wondered.
The events that followed are now reffered to by the locals as the May 20th Massacre. While no witnesses survived, the police reports depict that the Martinez family, a young family of 7 enjoying their memorial day weekend in their New Hampshire cabin, was brutally slain by a blood-thirsty animal who tracked each of them throughout the house in a period of approximately 45 minutes.

Stardust

“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: you are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded because the elements—the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron—all the things that matter for evolution weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus; the stars died so that you could be here today.”

-Lawrence Krauss

The morning after

I woke up with cat butt in my face :((

I'm not an alcoholic

Ok so I’ve decided to do a drunken blog. I know, I know; you’re all wondering “But Jon, how will you be able to effectively catalog your whole night in one blog post?” Well, I’ll tell you, my dearest friends: by checking in periodically throughout the night and writing exactly what’s on my mind. So buckle up, because we are in for a hell of a night.

8:01 PM: Just cracked open the Arbor Mist Blackberry Merlot. I know, it’s a pretty weak drink for a night of drunken debauchery, but it tastes delicious and I should be pretty toasted by the time I finish the bottle.

My roommates are in their rooms, except one, who is currently at work. My cat is eating his special pee food, and I am alternating between checking my facebook, becoming trapped on Stumbleupon, and listening to Sigur Rós.

Here’s a picture.

You’ll notice that my bedroom has been rearranged and I haven’t gotten around to making my bed in a few weeks.

9:16 PM I just finished my wine… It took longer than I thought it would. I need to speed this shit up if I’m going to be obliterated by bedtime. I’ve been doing some research into the show Bleach and I just shooed my roommate’s cat away from my cat’s pee food.

9:22 PM This is what I call “The Blastoise.” (this is actually a modified Blastoise, because the Blastoise actually has pineapple juice instead of orange-pineapple).

It’s       1 part tonic

            1 part Malibu Coconut Rum

            2 parts Blue Pucker

            1 part Simply Orange with Pineapple

10:03 PM I have a Dos Equis and another Blastoise. I just spent a half an hour on the porch with my roommate. It was EPIC! I pee’d outside. TWICE.

10:26 PM King of the Hill!

10:47 PM I am really kinda drunk. I have had two Blastoises and am now working on my six-pack  of Dos Equis. I really have to pee but I don’t want to stand……… Oh shit.  But look who I have….

BABY CHIKKY!!!!!!!!!!!!:<LKJASJ!!!!

10:53 PM I realize I say “debauchery” a lot. I just locked one of the cats upstairs and accused my roommate of watching porn instead of playing WoW with her boyfriend. OH FUCK, the cat ESCAPED. Sorry for saying fuck, I hope I didn’t offend.

11:04 PM Why penises are better than vaginas: A) Because they aren't vaginas... and that's all I've got.

11:05 PM I'm not sexist... really. Just gay. I prefer penises. Not vaginas. I don't like them. Nothing against girls. I've kissed girls. I like kissing girls... I'd just rather kiss boys.

11:06 PM Still not sexist. 

11:07 PM Is Ann Coulter a real person?

12:01 AM BLEACH!!!!!!

1:07 AM Don't worry everyone. I didn't die from alcohol poisoning. I've just been in my roommate's room. I'm pretty messed up though. Gonna probably go to bed soon. :( I guess I suck. I apologize for sucking so much. Here's a picture of me and my roommate to make up for it...

Later.

Update: I just ate some trail mix. It was delicious.

Daaaa Daa daa daa DAAAA daa....

That was me trying to sing Pomp and Circumstance (I don't think I did a very good job). Anyway, I graduated on Saturday, so I am officially no longer a student of any university.

Naturally, I'm terrified by this. I'm going to have to start paying back student loans in a few months, I need to find a job that will make use of my degree instead of working a minimum wage job at some fast food restaurant, and I'm leaving behind almost all of my best friends in the whole world. I can't begin to describe how utterly distraught I am by this. I just lost the only real structure I had in my life, and I'm getting ready to move to Montana, where I may have even LESS structure. I'm really unsure of how I'm going to handle it. Maybe I'll thrive in such a situation, and maybe I'll go nuts and start wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants...

Hmmm... That might not be so bad.
Move in date is June 17th.
Later.

King Cobra.

I'm a fucking COLLEGE GRADUATE! That's right; today I finished my last final and am now a COLLEGE FUCKING GRADUATE! And I drank a King Cobra to celebrate. Woof. Later.